Posts Tagged ‘sermon’

On: The AfterLife….

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

Dudes of the Congregation;
Welcome!! And, A Good Day to you.

This edition of Minister Skyddz’s ShortSermons is on the subject of Life After Death or:
“The AfterLife”…. I realize that I claimed something entirely different last week in a response to Minister Fate’s response to another sermon which may be found here at our esteemed host magazine: 1stAngel Arts, however, something pressing has come to my attention and, not wanting our congregation to suffer in worriment, I feel it necessary to address this matter forthwith. Alas; this comes so suddenly that I’ve had no time to back it up with quotes from The Better Book:
The Revelations of Minister Skyddz…. So, I hope you’ll all just bear with me when I say “It’s in there, I’m pretty sure!”

Many of the flock have asked me recently “Rev,” they say, “What happens when ya die?” I’ve been hard-put to come up with a REAL answer, ’til now.

Let me preface a little: By default, if you’re running a version of Windows on your computer (meaning that you’re as broke as I am so you can’t afford a real computer/operating system) then your music is played in Windows Media Player. So; your “visualizations” are limited to whatever Billy had on his mind the day your version came out (but don’t worry, he’ll be trying to force you to upgrade to something even less lovely soon, I assure you).
However; if thou shouldst break away from the beaten (to death) path, and venture forth to download the newest version of WinAmp (probably also owned by Billy), the visualizations you experience from that time forth are certain to elevate your Spirit, and quite possibly expand your consciousness(es).
I finally took the time myself, to set my WinAmp up in a more personalized manner a few days ago. I was amazed at how lovely the vizualizations appeared as part of my desktop with my icons still available/visible during the playback.
And here’s the clencher: I discovered almost immediately that Jimi Hendrix is alive in my computer!!–No Shit!!
I played the album (uh; ‘disk’ to you young-uns) Electric LadyLand with WinAmp, having personalized the visualization display, and St. Jimi (not yet but, I’m lookin’ into it) appeared on my screen, and stayed for the entire album!!

How’s THAT for an AfterLife, eh?!
Yeah…. Now he’s there every time I play music. Even if it’s the Monkeys…. despite the “problem” they supposedly had there in England.

Anyways;
‘ Hope that sums it up, or, helps answer some of the questions for you dudes.
I know it did for me.

Please, comment as you see fit.

Good Luck and Roses….

Minister Skyddz

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On Criticism….

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Blog 2

Dudes of the Congregation;

Welcome!! And, A Good Day to you. 

Before I start the sermon, I’ll take this opportunity to apologize for my tardiness in comin’ through with a worthy sermon this time around.

In explanation; the truth is, I was called to other “duties” a couple of weeks ago….

On a related note: let me apologize also, for the probability that your Xmas gift piles may seem somewhat slighter than you may be expecting.

The other duties I referred to above included (but were not limited to) answering the call from St. Nicki, wherein ’she’ requested I come to the Pole and school the Elves on the true nature of Xmas. ‘Seems they got it into their tiny heads that the whole dang thing was about crafting toys and such to give the kids on Dec. 24-25.

Obviously, that is but a small -although very impotant- part of the Xmas gig.

Oui-Oui!! And: Yea!! Verily, I say unto you that the BIGGEST part of the Xmas gig is in making certain that all whom you love know how much they mean to you, and; in achieving this while totally blasted!! And for the OverAchievers; include accomplishing these things

without being jailed in the process!! 

Now; THERE’S an X-mas to be Proud of….

 That said:

This issue of ShortSermons is on the subject of: Criticism….

 In the Good-Book…. er; The Better-Book: The Revelations of Minister Skyddz: The Genesis: 19: 4, we find Michael (who is also Caine), layin’ down th’ Law for the others there at the RoadHouse:

…NOW; ABLE WAST A LOOKER. THUS; WAST ATTRACTED MANY OF THE ROAD, WHO WOULDST SEE HER FORM; AND; MIKEY SAID UNTO THEM: “POUT, THEE; GAWKERS; AND; WHINNY AMONGST THYSELVES; THEE SHALT ONLY KNOW HER OF THINE EYE; AND; HER IMAGE; BURN-D IN THY MEMORIES; FOR EVER! …

5. …”FOR; SHE RIDETH WITH ME; AND; I TAKETH NO CRAP; FROM; OUGHT OF THEE; THEE; SIDEWALK-COMMANDOS! ‘GIGGLER’ IST ALL; UNTO THEE AND THE WORLD; BUT; AS THIS DAY OF ESTHER IST UNTO THEE; SO; SHE IST AND SHALT REMAIN UNTO ME; MINE OWN FESTIVAL…. *DU BIST ETWAS MERKEN! LAY-TH THEE; DOWN UPON THE RUG; THINE OWN NADS TO LICK!”…

(*DU BIST ETWAS MERKEN! = You are about to discover!)

Now, The ArchAngel had no reason to call them “Sidewalk-Commandos“, nor even “Gawkers“. Indeed, he might’ve spoken more eloquently on the entire subject.

That’s just plain rude.

And later, in Of Philogynians: 4: 2 – 4: 5, we find God being EXTREMELY RUDE to me:

…BUT; GOD STOP-D HIM; SAYING: ” HERE’S WHAT I THINKETH; THOU HATH MOST GRACIOUS ABILITY; WITH THY PEN; AND THY STAFF; AND; IT IS A SLOGAN; AND; A MANTRA, WHICH I ASK OF THEE; SURELY; THOU ART A POET AMONGST ANGELS…”—BUT; CAME THEN A SHIMMERING UPON THE CLOUDEDNESS WHICH WAST THE OTHER ANGELS; AND; POPD THEN FORTH; IN AN ACRID SMOKING;…

3. …ANOTHER FORM; THIS ONE BEING NOT SO UNLIKENED TO THE FIRST TWO; YET; WAST HE CERTAINLY; NOT THE SAME; IN HIS COUNTENANCE …THE FEET OF HIM; WAST AS THE CLOVEN HOOVES; OF MANY OF THE BEASTS UNDER THE CARE OF ADAM AND BEAVER; AND; FROM HIS HEAD; POKED-UP TWO CURVED SPIRES; HORNS; LIKENED UNTO THE HORNS OF THE ADDAX; AND; A THINHAIRED GOATEE; AND; EXUBERANT CAPE;

4. …OF; RED; AND; OF BLACK; WHICH FLAPPED OF ITS OWN ACCORD; AND; AS HE TURN-D HIS HEAD; SHONE A BRILLIANT ROUND HAIRLESSNESS; AND; HE SPAKE; SAYING: “NAME, PLEASE?!” AND; LOOK-D HE EXPECTANTLY; TOWARD GOD-WHO-WAS-THE-ANGELS; AND; MIKEY SPAKE NEXT; SAYING: “DUDE; NICE HAT! CANST THOU PLAY?”…

5. …BUT; THIS NEW ONE WAST UNAWARE; AND HE WAITED UPON GOD’S OWN ANSWER …AND; GOD SAID: “THY SULPHUR, NOTWITHSTANDING; THOU ART THIRD OF THE ARCHANGELS OF GOD; AND; THOUGH; THY CAPE AND THY HORNS ART GREATLY OUTDATED; AND; TEMPT; EVEN; MINE OWN FINGER TO POINT; AND; CHUCKLE PROFOUNDLY; THOU ART; ‘SATAN‘; BUT; DON’T EMBARRASS US, DUDE!”…

 “Greatly outdated”!! The finest cape and horns available at the time, I assure you!! “Don’t embarrass us dude!”…

Indeed!!

Anyway, the point is; ya don’t hafta be an asshole about it…. Whatever it is. Can’t we all just get along??

Well then.

That’s my piece for today. Comment if ya wanna; I’ll be right here.

 Peace.

Good Luck and Roses….

 Minister Skyddz

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On Sexuality….

Thursday, November 26th, 2009
 Dudes of the Congregation; 

Welcome!! And, A Good Day to you.

This issue of ShortSermons is on the subject of: SEXUALITY  First: Nowhere in the Holy Minutes (The Revelations of Minister Skyddz) is it written, nor is it implied that God is male. Indeed; God is genderless thus far in nature, being the Ultimate in positive and negative, and showing no favoritism….

This doesn’t mean though, that God has no personal preference sexually. 

In The Revelations of Minister Skyddz: The Genesis: 3:4, we read:

 ….AND GOD-UPON-THE-ROAD-REVEALED WAST LOVE-D AND DID LOVE; SAYING; “O, YES;THIS TOO, IST VERY, VERY GOOD!” AND THE IDEA OF WOMEN IN THE WORLD IMPRESS-D GOD; AND GOD THEM; AND; MAKING ANOTHER MUSIC TOGETHER; WAST A NEW OMEN…. 

   ’Pretty plain here that God digs chicks.

On the other hand (yet; still the Right Front Finger), God appointed an interpreter unto the homosexual, that they too might experience the total fulfillment of The Ride. In Queens 1: 4, we read:

  …NOW; NOB; DID SKIP AND; BOB-D ALONG, GAILY, FOR; THOUGH; HE LACKETH SPEED, HIS OWN MIND, WAST QUITE QUICK …AND; THE SPRING FEVER HADST TAKEN HIM WILLING; SO, THAT HIS THOUGHT WAST OF THE SISSY; LAHMENT …AND; HIS EYES ROLLETH AT THE THOUGHT OF THAT ONE …(ALMOST PRETTILY; FOR; BEARETH HE GREAT, THOUGH NOT GOOD, RESEMBLANCE UNTO THE QUEEN; ESTHER) …AND; THE BUTTERFLIES DID FILL HIM. AND; HIS SKIN BUMPETH UP, AT THE PROSPECT OF EMBRACE…

 And, further:

 5. …AND; SAY-TH HE; UNTO HIMSELF, ALONE: “YES! YES! THAT ONE SHALT I HAVETH …AND, HOW!” AND; HIS HEAD WAST SURELY FILL-D WITH VISIONS OF SUGARPLUM FAIRIES… CHICKENDANCING…

 Nowhere is it written in The Revelations of Minister Skyddz, that this is unnatural, nor even unacceptable. In fact; God called out another ArchAngel, specifically for the answering of the prayers of those living with such feelings.

Queens 2: 4: …BUT; GOD WAST VERILY; DEEPLY BOTHER-D BY THIS …PHENOMENA …THOUGH; UNKNOWING, WAST THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY; OF THE TRUENESS OF THE PASSION OF THE PUSS HAVING NOT EVER BEEN AWARE OF PRAYERS OF THIS NATURE; THOUGH; HATH GOD BEEN AWARE; AND; NOT THOUGHT IT HALLUCINATION; MOST ASSUREDLY; GOD WOULDST NEEDS ANSWER…BUT; THIS OCCURRENCE NEVER HAPPEN-D WITHIN THE MIND, YET, OF GOD. …

 Queens :3: 4:

…THUS; WAST BROUGHT, THEN ABOUT; THE COMINGOUT OF ‘GABRIEL’; THE HORN BLOWER. AND; A GAY SOUL; WAST THIS ONE; OF THE ARCHANGELS OF GOD…

 5. …AND; WAST THIS ONE ALSO KNOWN; ‘QUEEN O’ THE DANGD’; (in the slang) FOR; HIS OWN TOGA; WAST EQUIP-D FOR; THE FULL OF FIGURE; AND; ZIP-D IT; UP THE BACK; AND;WAST LACY, AT THE FRINGE; AND; BORE HE; MUCH SUGAR IN HIS TANK …BUT; WAST HE AS WELL; TOO TOUGH TO PICK-ON…

So I say unto this congregation; We are all equal in the eyes of God. Undeniably. If you are unsure about yourself or your spouse; ask Gabriel….

  Good Luck and Roses…. 

 Minister Skyddz

 

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On Vulgarity

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Dudes of the Congregation;

Welcome!!  And, A Good Day to you. 

This issue of ShortSermons is on the subject of:  Vulgarity

     From The Revelations of Minister Skyddz:

  THE GENESIS :8:4: 

“ ….AND; THE RIGHT FRONT FINGER MOVED WITHIN HER; STIRRING THE WILDNESS; AND GOD FELT THE WILDNESS AND, THE KINSHIP THEREIN; AND BLEST HER, SAYING:  “ARISE THOU; NOW;  DUDE!! BREATHE; MINE OWN NAME UPON THY LIPS; AND; KNOW THY BLESSING; …. THOU ART:  ‘LIBERATOR OF BEASTS….’””

     …. There are those among us (you), whom let their own un-wholesome thinking on this verse, conjure images of bestiality and un-natural behaviors….

  If that’s where your head instinctively goes, (how do you get laid, dude?!) then you already know in your depths, though you share it with no one, that it is YOU, not the Author, in need of Good Professional Care and Guidance.  Email me.  I’m Certified a ‘Spiritual Counselor’.

 *Mention this post, and get a 6% discount off of your first 4 hour session*

    The fact that it is possible to boundlessly DayDream in accordance with your own hidden-fantasy-realm-doctrine, even while you read these Better~Scriptures, is not only obvious, it borders-on: “So`What??”  If you’d keep your nasty, selfish, AntiAmerican, censorship views to your own filthy self, no one else would ever have thought of it and suffered thereby….

    So; how Righteous can you seriously call yourself  now?!

    ….I mean; with a straight face….

 

CHAPTER 9:1:

 “….AND; FEELING THIS KINSHIP; GOD-WHO-WAS-THE-ANGELS SAW; THAT IT WAST ALL GOOD; AND, WAST MOVED TO RIDE AGAIN; LEAVING MADAM AND BEAVE FREE UPON THE FIELDS ALONG THE ROAD-REVEALED; COUPLED DIVINELY; AS WAST PUT-IN THEM OF THE RIGHT FRONT FINGER….”

     Dude!!  Get your mind outa the Beastly Brothel of Buggery!!  It’s written all over yer face!  What would your mother think??  Or is she where you got your freak-show mentality?!

     Look:  Call me when you decide you want some help with your “Problem”; your disgusting secret is safe with me…. (unless of course, you don’t pay your bill….  In which case I’ll be forced to give your story and your address to the Monastery Militia – that could get Dang Ugly, dude!!)

 Good Luck and Roses….

                     Minister Skyddz

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Vices Versus Virtues

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

Dudes of the Congregation;

        Welcome!!  And, a Good Day to you.

 

           This issue of Minister Skyddz’s ShortSermons is on the subject of Vices and Virtues.

               Now; as a Minister of God, I am required by-God, to be painfully liberal.  But; if it weren’t a requirement, and a duty of the position I hold, I would still go-there.

                In The Revelations of Minister Skyddz: The Genesis: 2:3-2:4, it is written:

 …AND THE SOUND OF THE WHEELS UPON THE ROAD REVEALED…

4. …WAST THE MUSIC OF THE SIXTH DAY; AND THERE WAST LIGHT; AND THE ANGELS SAW THE LIGHT; THAT IT WAST DEFINITELY GOOD, SO ON THE NIGHT BEFORE THE SEVENTH DAY, THEY PARTOOK; AND BECOMING DRUNK; SHARE-D INNER-VISION…

 Also: The Genesis: 3:3:

 3. …CAME TO PASS A NEW PROPOSITION; YEAH; VERILY; SO GOOD WAST THE MUSIC; AND; GOD-WHO-WAS-THE-ANGELS BLEST THEMSELVES AND EACH OTHER AND THE WORLD; AND; WOAH! IT WAST VERY, VERY GOOD! IT WAST; MUY BUENO! UPON THEIR TONGUE; AND THEY LAUGH-D; AND SHARE-D THAT, TOO, WITH THE WORLD SAYING; “THIS…THIS IST GOOD!”…

     Suffice it to say:  What’s good for the goose is prob’ly good for the goose’s congregation.

Like most things; vice and virtue are pretty-much in the eye of the beholder.

S’ long as nobody’s suffering because of it, in which case, adjustments should be made or, the afflicted party invited to join the festivities.

 The Genesis: 3:4 reads:

 …NOW THE RIGHT FRONT FINGER ROSE ONCE MORE, AND BID THE ANGELS: “RIDE AGAIN, AND MAKE MUSIC AMONGST THE SOULS WHO LIVE ALONG THE ROAD; FOR; LAY THEY, LACKING PASSION, AND THEIR HEARTS HAST GROWN SOBER, SO THAT THEY NOTICE NOT THE ATROPHY WHICH HATH OVERWHELMED THEM”…

     Here we learn that compassion t’ward our fellows with regard to sharing the par-tay, is a Godly thing to do.  Also; I think it’s fair to say that it is implied here that lack of consumption can lead to stagnance, and quite possibly worse?!

   In closing, I’d like to point out that depending on your intent, the sharing of ones vices can be quite virtuous.

   Please:  Leave a comment, if you feel so-inclined.

Good Luck and Roses….

– Minister Skyddz –

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On Marriage….

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

Friends; Brethren; Sisteren;

Visiting Dignitaries;

Welcome!!

And, may you find reasonably acceptable answer(s) and explanation(s) here in my ShortSermons.

–God willing, of course!!–

First; I’m sure there’s some dang law which requires that I state somewhere, the fact that some portion of this posting has been previously, similarly-posted on 1 or many other sites and/or venues, using any guessable number of platform(s) and/or media(um).

(I don’t wanna get arrested ….)

Okay; that said: I can get down to it.

Is your spousal partnership suffering??  Or; are you suffering within your spousal partnership??  Or; do you find yourself wondering what excuse your spousal partner might believe about where you’ve been??

Are you stressed-out and worried about the possibility of your spousal partner smelling the lust-musk of another partner on your private parts??

Well.

There are, I suppose, many ways to prevent the black-eyes, and/or the fat-lip you’ got comin’!!

But; for clarity’s sake: You’ got it comin’!!  What th’ Hell were you thinkin’?? You might’ve at least showered b’fore you came back home to these formerly lovin’ arms!!

In the New Scriptures offered here at this site:

www.ministerskyddz.com

There’s a way-more Bitchin solution to this and, mucho grande other/similar potentially lethal problems.

The Revelations of Minister Skyddz is filled with Well-Intended-Suggestions to help a dude make the decent, more-user-friendly decisions in our nearly-everyday-lives!!

God wouldn’ta told this Good-Minister what to write, if it wasn’t, well; pretty good!!

Right??

‘ Caught you off-guard with that one eh?!  If you’d read The Revelations of Minister Skyddz, you’da already suspected that me an’ God got a “Thing-goin’-on!!”

You could call me “Prophet” if you wanted to.  Or; GodScribe….  Whatever.

Anyway; here’s a clue:

The Genesis:12:5:


….FOR; ONCE A DUDE IST MARRIED; DUDES; THAT’S IT! DO THOU NOT GO THERE, IF THY PROMISE IST BULL; LEST THOU PERISH…FOR; SHALT THOU SURELY WILT, IF-TH CAUGHT CRACK-SNACKING BESIDES THY MEAL AT HOME!”….

Clearly, God is not Pro-Infidelity. Nor is God Pro-Divorce. Keep in mind that God required no signatures and, there was no lawyer to draw-up a contract. This union took place in the heart and/or spirit. It included God because it was a true desire within Madam and Beave.
I have never been “Legally Married”. But, I’ve been married within, and I know for a fact, that at least a (huge) part of the “perish” and the “wilt” which take place is the divorce itself, brought on by the fact that the “promise” was false. That is; the “promise” of at least one of us was “bull”.
Dudes; it’s just easier and less costly/painful to cop to the fact that you really have no clue whether or not you stand any chance of being monogamous. Just admit that you’re a fuckin’ heathen and that you like it, right from the gate! Don’t tell ‘em they are the only one for you ’til you know it’s a fact. That way no one gets hurt, except the True Sap…. Which is half-assed-cool anyway, ’cause you sort-of thin the herd. And; maybe the Sap will be inclined then to read The Revelations of Minister Skyddz, and become enlightened on the subject. So; you whip a little Gospel on ‘em too!! That’s a win-win situation. And, maybe one in which God pulls out the Righteous Scotch to give you that star-on-your-forehead-pat-on-the-back feeling.
By saying; “Baby, you aint th’ only one, but; You’re th’ Best One”, you open the door to trust and understanding. You can’t easily get what you want from anyone anyway, IF YOU LIE TO THEM ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM THEM!!
Get-it??

 

 

Please:  Leave a comment, if you feel so-inclined.

Good Luck and Roses….

And, uh;  ‘Amen’.

– Minister Skyddz –

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