See the good

It is hard dealing with my brother Julian Gibson’s death.   I keep looking for rhyme or reason which of course I will not find.

I have always tried to be supportive of others and now find myself looking for unhappiness in others so I can help them.   I am surrounding myself with beautiful colours and I cannot wait until I can paint again so that I can paint a portrait of him.   Nobody should ever be in his shoes.  Never be that alone. .. depressed.  We all need to see the good and the brave and the brightness.

Too much sadness wherever we look when there is such a big, beautiful, world beyond our gate and so many wonderful people to be friends with.

I keep feeling there is something I need to do.   I just do not know what it is yet.

EDIT I would like to stress that Julian had a vast network of awesome friends. I think that perhaps people who have tried to take their lives will understand what I am getting at but I am afraid I cannot explain it well enough to make anyone else understand that feeling when you do. I am sorry if anyone was upset that I believed he was not cared for or had o support. That is absolutely NOT what I meant as his friends were amazing.

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Words

Fiction:

February 0

Nonfiction:

February 0

Blog Posts:

February 1215

TOTAL NEW WORDS 2014

February 1215

6 MONTHLY TOTAL

1215

COMPLETE TOTAL

1215

Comments

  1. // Reply

    I’m so behind on news….So, so, so, sorry to hear the loss of your brother. (((( HUGS )))) dear Abbie.

    Keep writing, painting, whatever about how you feel, it helps. And everything Stanza said.


  2. // Reply

    You need to give yourself time to grief Abbie and there is no moratorium on any prescribed length of time to do it. I’m pretty sure you are aware of Kubler-Ross’s 5 Stages here which I’ve copied from Wiki for you.

    The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:
    Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.
    Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
    Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
    The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use any thing valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. Psychologically, the individual is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…” People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example “Can we still be friends?” when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.
    Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
    During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.
    Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
    In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

    Kübler-Ross originally developed this model based on her observations of people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded her theory to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well as many tragedies and disasters (and even minor losses).

    So……

    Hold our hands, we are here for you and be gentle and kind to yourself. You are an intelligent, beautiful person and much-loved. oxoxox