Sharing loneliness

You know, I think it’s the not being able to explain with words that is the hardest thing. Trying to articulate emotions and feeling so others will gain some insight into why you say what you do or act the way you are, and failing, miserably.

Sometimes, sitting in the living room, watching television, a need to talk comes over me. It’s a strong need, urge, want, that is almost oppressive, like the walls are closing in on four sides. So I turn on my laptop and go straight to my facebook page to find a friend. But, once there the feeling leaves and is replaced by dreadful loneliness. All my friends are in the USA. Miles and miles away. I cannot look them in the face as we talk. Cannot hug them or drink coffee with them. As I read their jokes and stories…look at the stupid, incessant feel good, motivational images being shared, I start to feel anger. Anger at myself for not making real world friends.

I started going out. I talk to people now but, I close off after two days. Back off. Shut them out. I’m not interested in letting them know me. I know I’m not an interesting person. Online I can find jokes to tell people, share mini tales and motivational, feel good images. In the real world I have to make conversation, not something I have ever been good at.

So, I wonder what next year will bring? Will I still be here talking to a screen? Will I have given up on it all finally like my brother did? Who knows. I do know that I saw a great, funny, Maxine picture earlier… Off to share it with my friends.

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Comments

  1. // Reply

    Firstly, you are lots of things, but boring is definitely not one of them Abbie.
    Secondly, you are not shallow and superficial like a huge number of people one finds online, who make all the silly trite comments and WOWOWOW’s because they want to appear popular/talented/whatever. They are not friends.
    Thirdly, you can’t join your brother because it’s not your time to do it. You will make a huge, gaping rip in the universe and break a lot of people’s hearts including Hannah, Darcy and your BFFs!!!!

    Loneliness and depression are hideous demons which a lot of us do battle with almost every day of our lives. Know that you are loved because you are an exceptional and very beautiful person <3


  2. // Reply

    I hope I am one of your online friends … and yes, I’m way over here on the other side of the pond. But if we ever get back over your way again, you’d better get ready for a visit. In life we have these periods of ups and downs … been there myself more than once and am pretty sure more downs are coming. I think the trick is to dig our heels in, wait for the next icky thing to come down the pike, survive it … and eventually the gremlins who’ve been hurling the bad our way will move on to someone else and we’ll be able to breathe easy again for awhile. I’m not being motivational … I’m being matter-of-fact. Love you … and appreciate you!!!