I can blather all day
it never ends.
I feel, I fear
let’s not pretend.
I want you to want me.
I need love and a friend.
No games. No drama.
I’m the fool in the end.
Everyday I am amazed to be alive. The older I get the more amazed I am. Maybe its dementia . I am stunned to still be dreaming of finding someone after living alone most of the last 35 years. It is only human to want to be loved. It seems illogical to the Spock in me.
I want to say all the things I am feeling to her. Nope, I don’t. She might feel the same way and I have nothing to offer her. I am a coward when it come to affairs of the heart.
Why do I write these blog? It’s not because I expect you to care or that I have some compelling need to pass what I know on to you.
I’m a polymath . I know a lot about many things. A jack of all trades and master of none. So no expert advice, a unique point of view maybe.
I dream of dreaming and utopias where all love and work together and share the earth treasures equally. No greed, hate of violence.
I dream of silent empty streets paved with the pain of hungry children and the shame of parents unable to provide.
I dream of living a life where no matter how much I achieve it is seen as a paper victory, because of who my people are ,and where they come from.
I dream of a future filled with bright promise, rapidly dimmed by greed and egos.
I wake to the walls of the prison I have built of my ignorance.
I did some art today. Look for it if you interested it’s on my web site at david-lane.pixels.com
I often get maudlin , wishing I could find that special someone. Someone to love, to hold me when I need it and to let me hold them when they need it. To share what time I may have left with. I figure I have lived alone most of my life so I don’t need this to be happy but still there is this longing….
Anyway this got me analyzing why I have few if any real friends.
Why I have few friends.
1. I’m not an aggressive socially . I am friendly will always say hi and ask how you are . I hate small talk and gossip so unless we have some common interest, I won’t pursue a friendship.
2. I’m outspoken and usually say what I feel and often upset people with my lack of filters.
3. I’m well read and educated. I have a very hard time dealing with the kind of people who wrap themselves in flags, scream out about how patriotic they are. Who think everyone should be armed, and how they think other should believe, and organize their lives around what’s on tv.
4. If you’re a racist or a bigot , xenophobic and think the likes of the current or most of the past republican candidates would be good president I don’t want to know you.
5. If I am your friend, understand that I’m happy sitting at home doing the things I do.That I long for my friends or potential friends to invite me to do things or hang out and not be put off because I decline . I need to be dragged out of the house. I don’t expect it because why would you want a friend like that?
So yes, I understand it’s mostly me and my outlook. I will say if we do become real friends, I’ll be there for you doing whatever I can with the tools I have.
So here is art I did today.
I saw a post today that was saying 8 to 10 million people would be descending on Philadelphia for the Donkey convention. Really ? People apparently believe that nonsense. The logistics of food, waste disposal, etc ect etc for that many people is a nightmare and it would be a complete disaster. I’d like to watch on tv though. 🙂
Whatever happens we will have a new president next year. That person will have it as bad if not worse than President Obama. Even with a congress behind them.
I’ve been toying with the idea of recording a session of my creating process. I in fact did one but it’s just not what I wanted and editing doesn’t seem to help. I’m also afraid that it will reveal my secrets. 🙂
I have always been a science-tech guy. I think that in the long run it will be what saves us. I also think it will be what destroys us. As a science guy I find that religions are nonsense designed to control thought and behaviour. Given human nature,it is understandable why would be rulers would want that.
I think science is a tool for exploration and understanding and it cannot yet address the god thing. It can teach people how to live together in cooperation with each other and within a natural cycle of things. It can only do so if people will stop being so rigid and stubborn about their belief systems.
I once had a friend walk into the room and I immediately jumped up exclaiming “you’re pregnant.” She later went to Dr who confirmed she was 3 or 4 weeks.
A few weeks later while shopping I was drawn to a total stranger. We wandered around the mall separately, but kept bumping into each other . We would both smile at each other, but not speak and move on. The last time this happened I said “hello” she smiled said “hello” We muttered some small talk I don’t remember and as we prepared to separate again I knowing I would not see her again said “congratulations” She looked at me and asked what I meant. I said”your pregnancy. Congratulations on you pregnancy.” She looked stun and said “Oh my god. Am I showing already? turns out she was at the Doctor that morning and I just found out.
That never happened to me again.
Anyway I am having second thoughts about these post. So this might be the last for a while.
As an artist I often get disgusted and frustrated by my work. To have a vision of something, and not being able to express that vision so others can see it, is very discouraging.
I post online hoping for reactions and get likes, sometimes a share (a great compliment), and occasionlly some useful critiques. Once and a while someone even buys a print or something with my art on it.
I’m in conflict with my spiritual philosophy. I practice losing ego and self, yet to produce art, hoping for sales so I can maintain, requires ego and sense of self. As I write this, I see that perhaps there is no real conflict. This feels to me to be what the universe expects from me.
this is my last post until I post again.
some art I did .
It is so sad that greedy psychopaths have taken over the world.
I , like all of us who pay any attention anymore, am fearful for the future of humanity. What can I really do except try to live with as little impact as I can and encourage green energy production, peace, and love.
Turn on your light and darkness disappears.
Your negativity destroys you and harms others.
They say that people who live longest have more birthdays.
If the theory of multi-universes is true and that a new one is created with every collapse of a quantum field, then it follows (possibly) that everything that can happen in that moment does at the same instant.
I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand. Charles M. Schulz
every little while the distant thunder rolls through just enough in the back of your consciousness that it doesn’t interrupt your thoughts but you’re aware of it. It’s probably a survival thing , ensuring a storm doesn’t arrive as a surprise .
I live around a lot of older people in a 55 + manufactured home park in Florida. I’m kinda of an introvert these days so I don’t know a lot of the people who live here very well. I sometimes go to social functions and a see the regulars when I’m at the pool. I gather from the number of rebel flags and trump signs scattered about that a fair number are closet facist who only spew their venom to friends as I have heard little of it. One or two I knew about but I was surprised and saddened by the trump signs.
Anyway the haters will lose in the end.
Here is a piece I did today
I sit here this morning, coffee in had trying to decide what to do first. Create a video? Create some art. Read? It’s very hot out. The pool is so warm that it’s really only pleasant in the evening.
I read voraciously and see newspapers from all over the world. I don’t watch commercial tv except when some compelling event is happening. Last Sundays events in Orlando gave me a real glimpse in how the media is manipulating the news rather than reporting it. The only way to get a glimpse of the truth is to use as many sources as you can .
A wander comes upon a master sitting under a tree.
“Can I achieve enlightenment through meditation?” asked the wander.
“No” replied the master.
A few days later the wander comes upon another master.
“Can I achieve enlightenment through meditation?” asked the wander.
“No” replied the master.
A few days later the wander comes upon Buddha sitting in the dust beside the road.
“Oh great buddha” says the wander. ” I Have walked many days along this road and asked many teachers if meditation would lead to enlightenment. The have all denied that it would. So why do you instruct us to meditate?”
“You are already enlightened .” Buddha responds. “Meditation is done to still the dream ; so you may awaken”
I was either boon 100 years to late or 100 years to early.
Trying to write a daily blog can be excruciating sometimes. If I was one of those people who wanted to say what I feel about the dangerous situations the world faces. If I wanted to talk about politics or religion. What can I add.
The end of the world is neigh.
Winter is coming.
These are the end days.
Wake me up when it over ok?
I always wanted to live in a haunted house. I don’t believe in ghost but it would be interesting to see what mental tricks my mind would play on me.
I just realized that I’ve been practicing mindfulness and meditation to be in the moment that is and maybe That’s why I write this way. Random thought of the moment.
Not all of them get put down.
I’ve been getting trapped in obsessive mode when I create.
Hasn’t improved my work that I can see.
I am so behind in uploading art to FAA/Pixels . I have developed an aversion to filling in boxes. Pixels/FAA are the easiest of any place so ……
Laying in a bunch of popcorn for the political conventions. I’d go to Philly but I don’t want to be there win the gunfire starts and that’s the democratic one. The republican one should be a horror show.
Ok enough babble for today. Here is a piece I did today.
Surrounded by tech toys.
I sit frozen
unable to decide.
play a game
Still photo shoot
TV or movie.
Too many choices
as bad as none?
I spent 4 hours today creating kaleidoscope images to use on round beach towels. I’d have to sell 12 at 70.00 each to make 15.00 an hour. It’s possible. Only a few 100,000 artist, ect producing, mass producing, selling in bulk.
I wonder why I persist in making the effort the remember I hope to be able to eat next month and every dollar helps.
I kills me to urge people to consume an unnecessary use of recources.
I guess I don’t really belong in the society. I’ve always felt like I didn’t understand what everyone else knew.
Ya know the feeling you get when you finish a book you were really into and it feels like you have to say goodbye to friends.
Reading a post on FB today about the robot an AI revoloution about to explode on society. Think about it.
No drivers of any kind ill be needed.
There will be no need to own a car. All you will need to do is call for one using the app on your phone.
Most fast food workers not needed.
Farm laborers and assembly and packing workers.
50 % or more of current jobs or more. Yes new jobs that robots can’t yet do will be created. Most jobs that require creativity and original thought or action are safe for now.
It’s mind boggling what the next ten years. Some say that if old people like me make it ten more years then medicine will give them 50 more.
Here is an image of one of the kaleidoscopes round beach towels. If you click on the picture you will go to my website where you can buy or browse. Here is a tip. When you get to the site you will see < > keys allowing you to scroll through and see all my images on a round towel.
We are evolved to have quick automatic responses to danger. We are taught inappropriate emotional responses. We are all drama queens about some things.
Learning to be non reactionary, to control our emotional response to external and internal events is a big key to happiness.
There are many paths to inner peace and understanding that lead to the elimination of suffering, all are long and difficult. Some believe we are all trapped in a cycle of birth, death and rebirth until we finally get it right.
“I have lived with several Zen masters — all of them cats.”
― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Some people say I have talent as an artist. I say it’s not me but the universe. Creating connects me to the cosmic whole, where time becomes meaningless. Therefore I cannot not take credit for my art.
I can read and think. I believe I understand about letting go. But something always arises to shatter that illusion. I once believed meditation was about practicing control of oneself. That misunderstanding kept me from progressing . Part of me believes it is a struggle, requiring great effort. Intellectually I understand it’s just the opposite. LET IT GO.
The following image is part of today’s creations. The universe seem to like bold bright colors and patterns.
“Zen is a liberation from time. For if we open our eyes and see clearly, it becomes obvious that there is no other time than this instant, and that the past and the future are abstractions without any concrete reality.”
― Alan W. Watts
I have been playing with this piece today. Not sure it works for me may stay in the dustbin . I like the colors and some of the shapes there’s a nice 3d thing going on but…….
Really tired don’t have ideas or energy to pursue any thing that pops up.
Rev. Zesho Susan O’Connell
Zen priest, President of the San Francisco Zen Center
Dizang asked Xiushan, “Where do you come from?”
Xiushan said, “From the South.”
Dizang said, “How is Buddhism in the South these days?”
Xiushan said, “There is extensive discussion””
Dizang said, “How can that compare to me here planting the fields and making rice to eat?”
Xiushan said, “What can you do about the world?”
Dizang said, “What do you call the world?”
— Book of Serenity
“Time and again during question and answer sessions after a Zen lecture, someone will ask: ‘What is the use of just sitting in silent meditation when there is so much suffering in the world?’ This question is usually meant as a challenge to what seems a kind of passiveness. It is true that the world is full of suffering beings; humans, animals, plants, even the planet itself is deeply suffering. Shouldn’t we be having extensive discussions, protesting, implementing solutions? This koan does for me what I think is the intention of all koans – it stops my mind in mid stride. It brings my awareness to the importance of asking questions before acting. Questions like: What is the nature of suffering and what is its ultimate cause? How can I help a world that I see as separate from myself? Wouldn’t it be more beneficial for me to deeply understand how the world is not something ‘out there’ that needs saving? If I consider the way we are all constantly, every moment, making the world then each simple, ordinary action I am able to take right here is ‘doing something about the world.’ And when it is time for other kinds of action, less simple or potentially more widely impactful, it is my intention that these actions will be grounded in not knowing what the world is, or what helping is.”